MANNERS AND MORALS
Answer Lady
This month our wise and witty columnist sets us straight on ungrateful
nieces, a jobless friend, a (potentially) dangerous dad and more
Q I send my teenage niece birthday and
Christmas presents every year and never
receive any sort of thank-you. I end up asking
her parents if she got the gifts. I’m getting fed up. At
what point do I simply stop sending them?
Right this minute, if you’re not getting any joy out of it. It’s
annoying that these slackers can’t be bothered to let you
know the gift arrived, but your complaint does raise some
questions: Do you have a relationship with your niece other
than obligatory gift-giving? Why don’t you forget about
bugging her parents and call or e-mail her directly? Tell her
you’d like to get to know her better. Perhaps you’ll end up
with something more gratifying than a coerced biannual
thank-you. On the other hand, if you still don’t get a
response, forget it. Don’t even send a $10 i Tunes card.
Q I’m a 46-year-old divorcée who recently
reconnected with an old classmate who’s
also divorced. The problem is that he and my
best friend, who’s been happily married for 20 years,
were a serious couple back in college. I really like
this guy. Would it be wrong to go out with him?
Okay, I know you’re never supposed to date a friend’s ex,
but I have to think a happily married forty-something woman
wouldn’t begrudge her best friend a chance at romance.
Then again, old loves retain a dreamy nostalgic luster years
after they end. At least in memory the person is still yours.
That’s why you need to be completely open about what’s
developing before you start seeing him. Either you will get
her blessing or have a tough decision to make. With luck
she’ll be happy to see two friends who’ve been through the
wringer get a second chance. If she’s uptight about it, you
have to wonder how much she really cares about your
happiness—and how truthful she’s being about her own.
Whatever happens, it’s up to you to make sure that there’s
no whiff whatsoever of sneaking around behind her back.
That would poison everything.
Q A good friend was laid off two months ago.
I never know what to say to her when we talk.
If I ask if she has any prospects, it almost
sounds like nagging, but avoiding the subject seems
unnatural since I know it’s at the forefront of her
thoughts. How do I handle this?
Go ahead and ask occasionally. It shows you care, and
that’s important. But don’t ask every single time you get
on the phone. Then it is nagging. Use common sense and
your obvious sensitivity to find that fine line. You might
even ask her if it makes her uncomfortable to talk about
her situation. Maybe you can show you care by actually
helping. Do you have contacts or ideas you could share?
Otherwise, don’t let the entire universe be reduced to
the single pinpoint of her joblessness. Surely the two of
you still have annoying friends and fascinating personal
problems to analyze at length.
LADIES’ HOME JOURNAL
JUNE 09
