life
RELATIONSHIPS
the
counselor’s
turn
elly and Chad wanted their
Krelationship to work, but
the marriage had become
a series of subtle power
struggles that neither was fully aware of,
let alone knew how to defuse,” said the
counselor. “Whether the issue was
money, child care or Kelly’s return to
school, they were jockeying for power
and control on a daily basis. ‘Whenever
someone feels powerless, resentment
brews,’ I said. ‘That’s why you’re arguing
all the time.’ Before they could end the
emotional tug-of-war, however, they had
to understand its source.
“Both had strong self-sabotaging
streaks that are typical of people from
highly dysfunctional families. Just when
things were going well they’d find ways
to stir up the pot. As children each felt
unheard and unloved; neither believed
he or she had a right to be happy, then
or now. To protect herself Kelly had
resolved not to let anyone control her or
prevent her from achieving her goals.
Deeply resentful of what she saw as her
husband’s attempts to keep her under
his thumb, she reacted with anger and
threats to walk out. I helped her see that
Chad’s responses had nothing to do
with punishing or controlling her but
sprang from a deep-seated fear of losing her love. To feel safe, calm and more
in control, he needed to be in charge of
every decision—unfortunately in ways
that undercut her.
“‘Resolving a conflict doesn’t mean
you must think or feel exactly the same,’
I explained. ‘It means accepting and
respecting inevitable differences in opinions and priorities.’ To build a foundation
of trust, I told Kelly she had to stop yelling
and threatening to leave. At the same
time Chad had to reconnect after an
argument instead of going into an
emotional deep freeze. I suggested that,
when he felt himself pulling away, he had
to remind himself that his fears were
based on the alienation he’d felt as a
child, not on the reality of today. ‘If you
want Kelly to see your point of view,
you have to acknowledge hers, and you
can’t do that if you distance yourself
every time you clash.’ I taught them how
to discuss their differences respectfully,
using phrases such as ‘what I hear you
saying is . . .’ instead of going on the
attack. I also urged them to touch each
other physically during these ‘
discussions,’ especially when they got heated.
“Kelly and Chad were surprised at
how quickly they were able to sort
through their feelings once they understood each other’s motives. In one
breakthrough session Chad took a deep
breath and admitted, ‘I’ve been a jerk. I
don’t want to hold you back but I’m
scared that school is the first step you’ll
take away from me.’
“This brave confession touched Kelly
deeply. Reaching for his hand, she said,
‘I’ll always be here for you, Chad.’ Feeling
more secure that he would not be diminished by his wife’s success, Chad
decided to look for someone to replace
Kelly at work, even though she wouldn’t
be leaving for several months. This gave
her plenty of time to train the new person.
As for Charlie, in the fall he’d be old
enough for half-day nursery school. Kelly
agreed that she’d take morning courses
and pick up her son on the way home.
Chad would be in charge of evening child
care so Kelly could study. She then
broached the topic of money, explaining
that she felt like a child asking for her
allowance. Together, she and Chad
expanded her role in the family’s day-to-day finances. She opened her own bank
account, into which Chad deposited
several hundred dollars a month so she
could manage her own spending. Her
gripes about Chad’s ex-wife evaporated
once she felt fully supported by him.
“With her confidence high, Kelly applied to and was accepted at several
local universities. ‘I’m a college girl!’ she
said happily the last time I saw her.
“‘She is irreplaceable at work,’ said
Chad, ‘but I’m so proud of her achievements! We’re happier now than we
have ever been.’ ”
Can This Marriage Be Saved?® is the most enduring women’s magazine feature in the world. This month’s case is based on interviews and information
from the files of Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph. D., a marital therapist in private practice in New York City and the author of Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps
to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker. The story told here is true, although names and other details have been changed to conceal identities.
LADIES’ HOME JOURNAL
MAY 09
